The Phone

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The phone, or telephone, also smartphone or megaphone, are devices designed to amplify your voice and transport it over long distances. It is inherently creepy by design since a transcendent being seems to be talking to you, which is not transcendent, it is not there, but its voice is, well, i hope you get the idea, it could theoretically be the invisible magenta coloured unicorn you are talking to and you better fall to your knees and pray if it blesses you by taking notice of your mere existence.

Since the phone has this rather disturbing side-effect of subconsciously being associated in that, and similar ways it can only be seen as tragic carelessness to use it while having a shit.

I do not suggest that you sit down on your alabaster throne and speak in a deep and grizzly voice trying to personate a divine being every time you use it, that might be equally creepy, but what i suggest is that you seriously do not try to defecate while talking to less divine beings than yourself as the mysterious voice coming out of a box. It simply confuses the hell out of any true believer to talk to this distant voice whilst hearing pooping sounds and coughing or a gentle, dripping and sprinkling sound echoing of the not so alabaster ceramic throne you sit on, just like setting shrubbery aflame to get a message across, it is only confusing, people will go „holy shit“ when they see a forest fire, but you don’t want them to swear, you want them to put out that fire cause you were too clumsy designing physics so shit burns.

The simple idea is that you do not shit and talk at the same time, those two things don’t mix. It is a good time to curse and yawn though, but that does not necessarily need to be shared with the rest of the world, in fact, bears and coyotes get attracted by such noises, many a cowboy learned that the hard way, so be hush hush about it, not because mankind wants to dominate and control your wild side and repress your natural needs, but because we don’t give a shit… …and a bear might eat you.

Get Your Own High Five Bear T-Shirt


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